Jaws and Claws

by Jeremy and Jason Harris

August 1999

FADE IN:
INT. COLLEGE DORM ROOM - DAY

DARREN

Hey man, you going to the 5th annual Hiking Competition this year?

MEEK

I don’t know, lately, I've been feeling like a jackass...but I’ll go anyway

DARREN

Cool man...just let me get my gear and let’s go.EXT. WOODS - DAY
Darren and Meek are walking up a hill, other people wearing hiking packs and assorted camping gear walk in the same direction.

DARREN

Were here, finally. Seemed like we have been driving forever in these woods.

MEEK

We have, it took 4 hours to get here.

DARREN

Oh...Darren and Meek reach a small stage, with a man in hiking gear speaking into a microphone.

COMPETITION LEADER

What’s your Number?

DARREN

69!!!Darren bursts into laughter, and the annoyed Competition Leader punches Meek in the face.

MEEK

JESUS! A SIMPLE NO WOULD HAVE DONE!

DARREN

Hey! I was the one who said it !

COMPETITION LEADER

(angered, screaming)
SHUT UP BITCH!Competition Leader punches Meek in the face, and blood starts pouring out of Meek’s nose.

MEEK

(hysterical, in tears)

STOP IT ALREADY!!

DARREN

Ok, let’s go.

COMPETITION LEADER

Ok, if you don’t know what to do, Ill explain now, First one to make it
to the cabin wins! Go!Darren and Meek rush off into the woods, along with dozens of other pairs.

MEEK

I'm kinda tired, let's stop here and rest real quick.

DARREN

We've only gone 20 feet! You Out of Shape bastard! get your ass up and lets go!Meek gets up, crying, and starts walking along the path with Darren.
EXT. WOODS - DUSK

DARREN

It's getting dark, let's camp down here for the night.

MEEK

Ok.EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
Darren and Meek are sitting in front of a tent by a campfire, roasting marshmallows.

MEEK

Well, I'm kinda tired, I'm going to bed.

DARREN

Good idea, let’s call it a night.Darren and Meek climb into their sleeping bags.
EXT. CAMPSITE - MORNING

DARREN

Damn, I haven't had a night that bad since I slept with your mom.

MEEK

(surprised)

Really....?.....Wait a minute!Meek gets angry, and Darren punches Meek in the face.

MEEK

What the hell?

DARREN

Just leave it alone.Darren and Meek walk through the woods, and come across a pair, stopped to rest on a rock. They walk over to them, and recognize them as their friends LISS and QLURKER.

QLURKER

Darren! Meek!

LISS

Darren!Liss gets a disgusted look on her face, and turns to Meek.

LISS (CONT.)

(lower, unhappy voice)

…Meek.

QLURKER

How has your hike been so far?

DARREN

So far so good, yours?

LISS

It's been good. No troubles.Darren pulls Qlurker aside, and Meek leans over, trying to listen in.

DARREN

Damn, I really wanna hook up with Liss.

QLURKER

What the hell? Man, Meek has a better chance getting with her than you!

DARREN

That’s low you son of a bitch.

MEEK

Hey!Darren punches Meek in the face.

QLURKER

I don’t have to put up with this, let's go Liss.Qlurker and Liss walk off down the trail, and Darren and Meek take their own path. After a few minutes of walking, a strange screaming sound starts to come from somewhere deep in the woods. Darren and Meek are visibly frightened, but Darren tries to make light of the situation.

DARREN

Hey Meek, that sounds like your mom! hahahah!

MEEK

Man, back off about the mom thing.

DARREN

Sorry.The pair continues walking and come to a small clearing. They proceed to camp down, setting up a campfire and a tent, and bed down for the night.
INT. TENT - NIGHT
A knocking, not unlike on a large wooden door, is heard coming from the zippered cloth door of the tent, and Meek awakens with a start.

MEEK

Who's there?

JAWS

(high, nerdy voice)

Candygram....Meek opens the tent and sees a large shark like creature with hands and feet, and while he stands open mouthed and dazed, Jaws punches him in the face. Meek falls back, stunned, and Jaws closes the tent behind him.

MEEK

What The fuck was that!?!??!Meek's screaming awakens Darren, who is visibly pissed off.

DARREN

What the hell are you talking about?

MEEK

You didn’t hear that?!

DARREN

Hear what? Have you been drinking again?!

MEEK

No!

DARREN

OK man....whatever.Darren rolls back into his sleeping back and goes to sleep, and Meek lays back down, frightened.
EXT. CAMPSITE - MORNING

DARREN

Well, we need to get an early start, we've lost track of time cause your punk ass is so out of shape. You’re not going to get scared back home by the boogie man, are you?

MEEK

(mumbling)

I’ll show you a mother fucking boogie man….

DARREN

What was that?

MEEK

I said that I need to show you my fucking good tan.

DARREN

(backing away)

Um, that’s ok dude.Suddenly the leg of a goat flies in and hits Meek in the face.

MEEK

What the fuck was that?!?!

DARREN

Looks like a leg of a goat!

MEEK

What the hell would eat a goat?

DARREN

I don’t know man, and I don't WANNA know...Both of them look around nervously, but continue walking until darkness starts to fall. Again they set up camp.
INT. TENT - NIGHT

DARREN

We're almost there, tomorrow we will be at the cabin!

MEEK

Cool, let's get some sleep.

DARREN

You're laying off the bottle tonight, right?

MEEK

Fuck off.They both lay down to sleep, but a strange knocking in the night again awakens Meek.

JAWS

(high, nerdy voice)

Girl Scout Cookies....

MEEK

ROCK!Meek opens the tent and Jaws quickly bites Meek in half, then drags him away slowly, leaving his legs behind.
The commotion awakens Darren, who looks at Meek's legs with a puzzled expression.

DARREN

My god, Meek is dead!.....oh well...never liked him anyway.Darren looks around at the mess, blood everywhere, and picks up Meek’s severed legs, throwing them out of the tent.

DARREN

Damn him...got blood all over..Darren zips up the tent and goes to sleep, oddly unaffected by the graphic situation.
EXT. CAMPSITE – MORNING
Darren has packed everything up and is putting the last piece of equipment in his pack. He kicks Meek’s legs into the bushes.

DARREN

Well, I better continue with the contest if I want that $50. Meek was slowing me down anyway.As Darren walks up the hill, he starts hearing strange sounds in the woods. Frightened, he begins to walk faster. When the noises intensify, he begins to run.

DARREN

(panting)

Can't be much farther now...Darren spots the cabin, and starts to frantically run towards it. Suddenly, Jaws jumps off the roof, right into Darren’s path. Jaws is looking angry, teeth dripping, fists clenched. Jaws growls and starts moving towards Darren.

DARREN

Wait! Don't kill me!

Jaws

(pauses, puzzled)

Why the hell not man?

DARREN

Because I'm high in cholesterol, and that will be bad for you in the long run.

JAWS

Good point, but I could just kill you for fun!A small red creature jumps out of a bush, with a yellow circular head, black round eyes and two large horns. Darren and Jaws both look over.


DEVIL DOLL
(high, but growling voice)
Just for fun!The creature jumps back into the bushes and disappears, and Jaws shakes his head, confused, but with more important things on his mind. He turns back to Darren.

JAWS

Why shouldn't I?

DARREN

(thinking)

Because......I can help you!

JAWS

(laughing)

You help me? I am an intellect far superior to that of humans, and I have a mouth that could swallow a donkey. How the hell could you help me?

DARREN

I can teach you the ways of humans, and help you hunt them. I can train you to become the world’s most efficient killing machine!

JAWS

(excited)

Really? That would be the shit!Jaws has Darren jump on his back, and carries him through the woods, back to a creek, which is furnished like an outdoor home.

JAWS

Most sharks live in oceans, but I am centered around this small creek.

DARREN

(looking around)

Wow, this creek is cool....HOLY SHIT! A COMPUTER!!!Darren sits down at the computer, his eyes glaze over in pure addiction.

JAWS

You son of a bitch!!!!Jaws punches Darren in the face, then bites his head off, spitting it out, and the head flies through the air, against a backboard over a trashcan, and it falls into the can with a loud bang.

JAWS

YES! Is it the shoes?!FADE OUT
EXT. WOODS - DAY
WRITTEN: Ten Days Later
Two HUNTERS walk up, and spot the rotting, stanking remains of Meek and Darren on spikes stuck in the top of a hill.

HUNTER 1

Holy shit, it's the head of a nerd on a pike!!!

HUNTER 2

Jesus Christ, it's the entire torso of another nerd!!The hunters raise their weapons, and proceed to shoot the hell out of the torso and head, ripping all remains of Darren and Meek to shreds. The hunters blow the smoke from the barrels of their guns.

HUNTER 1

Ah, much better.Jaws swings down on a vine, and swallows both hunters in one fatal swoop, blood spraying everywhere.

HUNTER 1 & 2

(both yelling)

ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!Jaws stands victoriously, and turns towards the camera, giving an enthusiastic thumbs up

JAWS

(Fonzie style)

EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!Suddenly, a pack of rabid wolves runs up, attacking Jaws at all sides. He tries to swat them away, confused.

JAWS

What the fuck?!Wolves rip Jaws to shreds, then disappear as fast as they came, leaving only the sound of the birds in the woods.
Zoom in to bloody stakes on a hill, which formerly housed the remains of Darren and Meek, in the sunset.

THE END

Stay tuned for the sequel: Jaws and Claws 2: Radiation is a Mothafucka!